Dear Me

Dear Little Rachel,

Yes, darling, you. You standing in the queue to get out of the airport, wrapped up as though it was minus 20 degrees Celsius outside when it was just 16 degrees. You there, aged eleven years old, your skin used to humidity and now cracking up like aging plaster in the blast of dry August air.

I know who you are. You brought me to life by your dreams, your bitter recollections of better days as you tried to defog the future, only to realise it was as misty as ever. I am who you are then, and you are who I am now. Call me a time traveller, talking to you and breaking a hundred physical laws but trust me, I'm just here to give you something.

Advice. Insight.

Yeah, really, I hear you scoff. What have you learnt in the last five and a half years that you can tell me about? I mean, you're only about to turn seventeen. You're not even an adult. You're only an angst-ridden, bitchy, moody, internet-addicted teenager without one shred of philosophical decency. A teen advising a pre-teen? Come off it.

Well, yes. I have my flaws. I'm still naive. I'm still confused, even uncertain about the world I live in. But I have learnt something.

That's always better than nothing.

So yes, back to that waiting line. You're feeling cold despite the jumpers and I know why. Your heart frosted as soon as the plane left the warmth of your childhood, the comfy cocoon that was the culture you were so used to. Now, thrown back into the dark, you could only feel bitter and angry. Sure, you've returned to the land of your birth, the land that you owe citizenship to, but at what cost? You left friends behind. You left happiness and innocence behind. You left your identity behind.

Let me tell you now: you have to let go of the past.

I know it won't be easy, and I know you'll still spend time crying over it. I know you'll still keep that airline ticket in your room, a box full of paper slip goodbyes on your bookshelf, even the photo frame of a best friend you've now forgotten. But I know you'll enjoy the newfound freedom, the respite from constant hard work, bushwalking in the suburbs and soccer in the backyard. I know you'll probably still hate 80% of the food cooked in Australia but I know you'll savour the taste of Shakespeare and books, campaigning and the brilliance that is grassroots democracy.

Here is what I have to say: you will always love the past for what it used to be. But you must also understand that reality and change is not as cruel as it seems, and your parents migrated not just for work reasons, not just for your brother, but for you as well. Embrace the gift of new opportunities that this will bring, gently remember the past and move on. Move on into a world that could promise you much more than what you left behind.

I know you don't believe me now, but we were all born myopic in the vision of the future. It's only our choices and our beliefs that change over time that would either enhance our vision or impair it. So let's turn to a subject that I'm sure will still be in your mind as you wait to get out of this horrible, technologically inept airport.

Competitiveness in studies. It's in your blood. More specifically, your Asian blood. Even though you're different from the rest because of your mixed race, you're just as gritty as them to succeed. You'll be happy to know you'll carry it to Australia and apply it to your subjects. It'll be sluggish at first, but then your prowess will shine. Soon, you attract gushes of mechanical praise from teachers. Soon, everyone knows you as the nerd, the girl who studies too hard. They'll ignore everything else and zero in on your marks. Nerd.

You will start to feel resentment at how well you're doing. You will fight yourself for that feeling because you are still driven to do well. The dilemma will haunt you and embitter you.

Let me step in and tell you: Don't listen to them.

Don't be like your brother, who fell into that trap and didn't do as well as he could have. Take strength in what you are good at and keep at it, because you'll rise head and shoulders above them. Don't throw away your future for the sake of conformity, because deep inside your heart you'll resist anyway and mould yourself into the non-conformist that you always were. Your friends will understand this, even though they'll probably still tell you not to be anti-social. At the end of the day, it's up to you to know where to strike the balance.

By now, I'm sure, you must be wondering, "Wait a second, my future self mentioned "friends"? Yes, dear little Rachel. You will have friends. But you won't ever take them for granted.

You'll first meet your best friend in the first school you've ever been to in Australia. She is one of a twin and one of a kind, and she will be there when you need her, and you will be there when she needs you. Your interests will differ, but together, you make a powerful force. Or so it seems.

That force will be tested when a young girl comes into your life and attracts your attention. She writes, just like you. She likes to play the piano, just like you. She's an atheist. Just like you.

You will be hooked and put under her spell, and you start to leave your best friend behind, even though you are haunted with guilt. For a while, everything seems to be fine, amid the usual drama. Then, the differences prevailed. Suddenly, the switch was thrown, and you wake up and start fighting back. There will be bitterness and there will be tears. You will be constantly challenged and you will lose faith within yourself.

This is what I can tell you:

Cry. Get all the emotions out. Keeping them pent-up in your chest will only make you feel worse. You know that you always do anyway, but don't ever think of it as weakness. Think of it like a Greek tragedy, and think of it like catharsis. It will cleanse your heart and make you feel better.

Appreciate your friends. Appreciate them for what they have done for you, and appreciate them for standing by you when you think the world has walked out on you. Be grateful for them. Appreciation and gratitude can be some of the most powerful forces in the world. Understand that.

And don't forget those on deviantART.

Oh yes, little Rachel, you will become a conformist and enter the world of the Internet. But you won't be addicted to Facebook or Twitter or whatever social networking site out there has to offer. You'll be drawn to a world of art and a world of many other people in the world who share the same interests as you. You will realise that it's so much easier on deviantART to find people of your own age, with similar interests, or people not of your age, but still share the same passion for literature nonetheless. You'll learn so much about writing, and you're going to get better over time, and you'll find inspiration on the chrome-coloured pages that you roam every day.

You'll even meet people who will change your life.  

All the same, I have a little advice for you. Don't worry about the lack of comments or favourites that you get. Don't worry about popularity. It's your own work, and you should be proud of it. I know you'll still be craving a bit of it, so why not go about it more constructively and help others less fortunate? Comment on their work whenever they favourite your work. Support others less fortunate through features and suggest Daily Deviations. I know you'll be probably thinking, "Say what? I don't understand half the things you're talking about right now," but trust me, when you get there, you'll be glad that you followed it.

Even when you get established in that world, don't forget the real world. Just because you're not comfortable with the real world as much doesn't mean you can forget it. Life is out there, in the relationships with people and nature, in the cries of newborns and the shouts of kids on your driveway. Immerse yourself in reality and you will reap a thousand fold of joy that you can bring back to your second haven, deviantART. You will only remain a shadow if you don't go out and embrace the world in all its beauty and its imperfection.

Keep playing the piano. It's the only instrument that you've ever learned properly and it'll probably be the instrument you will love for life. Never underestimate the power of music to the soul.

Don't worry about your future, even though the deadline is looming. Your love will lie in both the arts and the sciences, and the pros and cons of both fields will continue to make you confused and uncertain. Let life take its course and you will eventually find the niche that you'll want to occupy.

Don't ever give up writing. Sometimes, you'll feel like stopping because you're not motivated and the words aren't coming out right. Sometimes, you see that others are so much better than you and it seems impossible to match them, let alone surpass them. DeviantART can be your best friend but it can also be your worst enemy. If possible, just block the site and WRITE. If you don't write, you'll lose the only opportunity to express yourself truly.

Finally, be yourself. You will be the born hypocrite, as you hear many perspectives about so many different things. You will realise being on the fence on a lot of things can hurt as much as defending a side. You will realise being open-minded can be a lot harder than you think. As the world grows and changes, you can grow and change with it too, but you must believe in yourself that you are who you are and take pride in that.

I can't hold you back any longer. You're like a dog on a leash, and you leap forwards when it breaks, tasting and testing the world with your hands and feet. I'll leave you now to find your path, and become the person that I am today.

I really can't wait.

Yours Truly,

The angst-ridden, bitchy, moody, internet-addicted teenager without one shred of philosophical decency

A.K.A

Me