22.

My very first conversation with my best friend LiliWrites was when she turned 22 herself. And now I have reached that milestone. I have the day off work and I’m sitting in my room typing. Some people I hoped to meet up have bailed on me last minute, my boyfriend’s working schedule has made it difficult to coordinate times to meet up and a plane flight over Sydney that I’ve been planning with two other friends fell through today.

I could have taken the flight myself today, but felt that since I had offered it to several friends it would be disingenuous for me to deny them that opportunity just because the operator had canceled on us. Naturally I am disappointed but I am a believer of Murphy’s Law and it is better to have low expectations of anything happening, or people meeting their word. After all, I am sometimes a champion of not getting things myself done or bailing on people myself.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t strive to improve. And today as I turn another year towards adulthood, it’s time to be grateful of what I do have. A small room in an apartment to myself, a full-time job, progressing towards a degree, my parents’ support (although qualified at times, undeniably they still want to see the best of me) and the friends I do have.

Most importantly, I’m still alive. I have battled another bout of depression in the past two weeks, and I know its signs all too well- the lack of interest or pleasure, the emptiness, the constant tears without reason, the wish to die. Today I stand still shaken and consider myself still deep in this mire. But after blindly putting a brave face at work and a few shifts working in the library, perhaps some of the worst has come to pass, as I know it would, though it is hard to judge how long it will be or how much damage will be left behind.

I watched the film “Inside Out” the other day and again Pixar reveals its genius. It was definitely a film made for me, about a girl who made a move away from her hometown and fell into sadness. And one of the messages of the film stands out: it is okay to be sad. And I know, even though the sadness reaches epidemic proportions at times. I can feel sad when I’ve let people down, or made people angry, or other things. But I can do something about it too.

However today actually pans out- I simply want to make it a day when I know the things that I have, acknowledge the failings I possess, reach out to those who’ve supported me despite my faults, and once again remember: whatever happens, it’s all about how I react to it. That’s the point of maturity I still need to reach.

P.S Thanks for all the comments in the last journal. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to get to them easily as I’ve had limited internet access (not having internet at home and loath to use the internet at work for non-work purposes).